KEEPING IT REAL
Daphne Iking opens up about why she kept her pregnancy a secret, the challenges of motherhood and how she manages her priorities.
Award winning actress and TV personality Daphne Iking leads a hectic life. Besides hosting, producing and emceeing, the co-founder of both Lebosi Sdn Bhd and BigIDIA is also an advocate for solar powered products and consults corporate leaders in Media Handling and Public Speaking. Often seen on and off screen, either walking the red carpet or hosting high profiled events and shows, one would think her life is full of glitz and glam.
But this mother of three says it is far from that and her daily vlogs on her YouTube channel are testament to this. Daphne Iking opens up to Parent Avenue about the challenges of pregnancy number three, how she copes with her career and demands while staying true to herself.
Photographs by Joe Lebosi | Interview by Stella Matilda
We’re thrilled to find out about your newborn baby! Congratulations! How did your daughters react when they first meet their little baby brother?
Thank you! They’ve been looking forward in meeting him. We sort of guessed his gender as my gynae (who was more excited upon knowing I was carrying a son!) hinted strongly to us (when we asked her to keep the sex a secret). So the girls placed bets on what his gender was going to be. Isobel guessed correctly.
When Azmi took them to see us that very same day, they were excited and curious at the same time, especially Iman — who has been the baby of the family for awhile. I prepared them for the baby — we read my pregnancy books, watched birthing videos, got them involved in our antenatal visits with the doctor … so seeing the baby for the first time was as equally exciting for them as it was for us.
What do you love most about your pregnancy journey?
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| Photograph by Joe Lebosi |
So, I suppose what I loved (and hated) about the pregnancy was the challenge of keeping it hush. Only family and close friends knew. Being the third pregnancy, I started showing prominently upon month 5. My designer friends helped me get clothes that disguised my bump but eventually, upon my 8 month, there is only so much “disguising” one can do. So when the cat was out of the bag, it was nice that most of my clients and producers were ok with me being pregnant (only concerned that I would be exhausted). And so, the day before my surgery, we published my eldest daughter’s pregnancy vlog announcement on my Youtube channel. The day I was wheeled in for surgery, we uploaded a picture of me pregnant so many of my social media followers were shocked. A few hours later, my husband uploaded my son’s picture.
It was interesting to see the reaction of acquaintances and strangers alike upon the news of our new addition. There were strangers who follow me on my social media pages and when they saw me on the streets pregnant, they’d ‘scold’ me for not sharing the news over social media. That compelled me to keep the pregnancy off social media even more - their ‘scoldings’ made me realise that I don’t owe anyone an explanation for everything I do in my life. Some things are nice to be kept a secret. A special moment for those who truly matter.
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| Photograph by Joe Lebosi |
What’s been your hardest mom moment so far?
Being fair to all three of my children AND making sure daddy is not left behind too. I had problems with my domestic helper and we had to finally let her go and do without any help. So juggling quality time with all three children (and you would know how demanding being a fully breastfeeding mother to a newborn can be!), looking after the household and managing my career PLUS making sure hubby does not feel neglected, does put a toll on you.
With baby number three, losing weight has been quite challenging and because I’m in an industry where one has certain expectations in losing those post pregnancy pounds fast (thanks to all those hot Hollywood stars who make it look so easy!), it’s been depressing to say the least that the extra weight is just not budging! So that DOES get to me too.
What is the best part of your day?
I wake up at 5am to get the first housechores done and to prepare the children’s meals and to send them to school while pumping, so Isidore has enough supply when I’m out and about and daddy has to look after him. Then by 8am, I’ve sent both children to school and it’s time for the little ones bath and feed. In and out of the day is more housechores, preparation of meals, feeding and work. So by midnight, my energy is truly spent.
But that would be the BEST part of the day - having had a warm bath once all kids are asleep and knowing I’ve done the best for everyone. There’s a clean house, prepared meals for everyone (and everyone has different meal requirements!) and another day has come and gone and the kids and husband are happy. THAT is the best part of the day. Knowing I’ve done my best for the family when I watch them all sound asleep.
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| Photograph by Joe Lebosi |
Up to 80% of new mothers’ experience the baby blues, what are your advice?
I did. During my second pregnancy, only I didn’t know it then till I confided in a friend. Iman was a colicky child and was crying day in day out. My mother was not able to be with me throughout my confinement as she was still working then (mum lives in Sabah), so I was pretty much alone then and I didn’t think I should ‘bother’ my husband with my concerns. I was just so exhausted but felt I needed to keep up and when I could not manage my expectations, I was feeling very, very depressed. I recall throwing a wailing Iman on the bed when she refused to stop crying, and that was when I knew I had gone too far and that I needed to talk to someone soon.
For Isidore, because my gynae knew about my symptoms, she reminded me about the changes my body and emotions would be going through and that it was extremely okay to get other people to help me out with the older siblings and housework. I think because my mother (who actually took a confinement course so she would be able to look after both my sister and I during our confinement) was with me and my husband was extremely caring and supportive during recovery, it helped a LOT! My advice is to allow those who offer to help, to help. Take up the offers and sleep as much as you can.
It would be extremely helpful if you actually have the luxury of a helper or a confinement lady to assist you and the baby. Your body has gone through quite a deal and you need to recuperate. I love my two older girls, but I knew I could not be a superhero and try being there for them too.
Thank God they understood and I spend short but quality time with them. Their father took them off my hands so I could rest as much as I could in between feeding and looking after Isidore. Finally, post partum blues does happen. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone. Don’t be shy. You are not alone.
How do you feel about being a working mom?
Because I enjoy what I do most of the time, it does not feel like work per se. But days when thing get a bit hectic, and everything and everyone is suddenly a priority, it does get to me — especially now without a helper, so my husband and I need to sort our schedules so we are able to take turns looking after the kids.
The children and he have chipped in with house chores, so that helps A LOT. But I love working although there are days when I wished I didn’t have to work because I’d rather just be home with the children and keeping the house in order.
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| Photograph by Joe Lebosi |
You’ve been diligent in your vlogs (video logs) and you portray not just your life, but the family too. Why daily vlogs? and aren’t you worried about over sharing with cyber crime on the rise?
My first intention on producing YouTube videos was to make sure my production skills in camerawork and editing were not going to waste. Why daily vlogs? I was inspired by other well-known Youtubers and just like how I post pictures of the family and I on my social media , the vlog is also now my gallery of memorable family videos which I can view online anytime, anywhere.
My husband and I want to keep our vlogs as real as possible, but we are aware of the dangers of over sharing. So, just like how we take precautions in posting pictures, we do the same with our videos. We don’t reveal certain details like our home address and where the kids school are etc. And because there are sick people out there, we don’t show the kids in the shower or naked. Otherwise, it’s pixelated. The girls are aware of being filmed – I know some who say it is unfair for us parents to post our kids photos and videos as it invades their privacy since they are too young to object ; so I have that in mind too and must be thoughtful – if that was me in their shoes, am I going to appreciate my parents showing that to the world 20 years down the road?
Are there specific types of women you’re drawn to?
I like the strong, kind silent types. Like my mother. She’s gone through quite a journey but she’s always so calm and kind. Strong and patient. She’s also a go-getter and does not give up easily. Extremely independent and passionate about what she believes in.
What is your advice for moms who are striving to do it all?
I always get asked, how do you juggle work and motherhood. I think you don’t have a choice. You just DO. So when you ask me advice on women who want it all - you CAN have it all but not necessarily DO it all. Most have help in some form or another - be it a part time cleaner or nanny, to a personal aide or secretary to assist you.
I entrust those near and dear to help me. My husband manages me. As soon as the kids are able to understand instructions, they assist with house chores and have a routine that is flexible, but somewhat still a schedule that they adhere too. Since being helper-less, I have a schedule and I make sure everyone keeps to their own chores and if they take something, they must return it to its original place. Or wash up after using a utensil, plate or glass. When it comes to work, have a to-do list and stick to it.
It is so fulfilling ticking off your priorities. Of course, there are days when you can’t keep up, so that’s where prioritising comes in. I don’t tackle emails first. I do what’s glaring at me first. If I open my emails, I will spend an hour or so replying or deleting. I try not to have meetings. I think anything that can be relayed over emails or whatsapp chats is more productive.
Unless I chair the meeting so I have an agenda and stick to it and keep it as short as possible. Most productivity drops due to long meetings that don’t stick to an original agenda. I hate wasting work time. If I want to talk ‘nonsense’, that would be when I’m with my friends just chilling out. But this is my way. Some folks have different ways to manage their time and priorities. To each and their own.
